It is not normal.
It is not normal to have a flat belly three days after giving birth.
It is not normal to wear a white, lacy nightgown while you snuggle your one week old baby and have your hair looking perfectly blown out, your fake eyelashes on, make-up flawless and a blissful look of contentment on your face. It's just not.It’s not normal, but Hollywood and a lot of social media posts would have you think so.
It is not normal.
It is not normal to be home alone all day with a 10 day old baby.It is not normal to learn to breastfeed in isolation with no help or guidance.It is not normal to be foraging one-handed through your cupboards to find a snack 5 days after giving birth.It is not normal to be home alone and holding your baby while you sit on the floor and sob uncontrollably.
It's not normal, but it's common.
Here in the United States, most women have access to great prenatal care. By the last month of pregnancy, we are seeing our providers at least once a week. Most women give birth in a hospital and have a couple of days afterwards with 24 hour access to a nurse. And then...buh-bye. We are sent home alone.
We're sent home alone in charge of a tiny, precious new baby. We have no experience, no previous exposure to breastfeeding or newborn care and no network of support built in to our society.
In other countries around the world, new mothers are celebrated and surrounded by family. But here in the US it's almost like we're shunned. New mothers are hidden away, expected to only appear again 3 months later on Instagram with a flat belly and a blissful smile.
In many other cultures and countries, it's a given that a new mother's own mother (the grandmother) will come and stay to help the new mom and baby. The grandmother will pass along wisdom about breastfeeding and newborn care, cook food for the family and take care of household chores so that the new mother can rest and bond with her baby.
Here in the US, it's mom, her baby, some granola bars and a warm, snuggly laptop for scrolling YouTube videos about breastfeeding.
With American mothers home in isolation, it's no wonder that sleep deprivation levels are reaching dangerous levels or that postpartum depression and anxiety rates are skyrocketing.
We need to do better. And it needs to start immediately.
The #maternityleaverevolution will not be started by the government or the health insurance companies or the obstetricians and midwives. The revolution will begin with you and me.
Be a part of the #maternityleaverevolution.
If you are:
Pregnant: hire a postpartum doula, make a postpartum plan, organize helpful, knowledgeable and non-judgmental family and friends who will come to your house in the first few days and weeks, stock your freezer with ready-to-eat meals. Take a breastfeeding class. Join my Third Trimester Thrive FREE 10 Day Program to help prepare for being a mom.
The Friend of Someone Who Just Had a Baby: Stop by with food and hugs. Call her. Don't just text. Call and LISTEN to her. Tell her she's doing a good job. Clean her bathroom. Wash the dishes in the sink. Ask her what she needs and then help her get it.
Home With a New Baby: Reach out. Hire a postpartum doula. Talk to your provider about your real feelings. Join as many mom groups/baby classes as you can find. Build your tribe of other new moms. Make a coffee date with each new mom you meet. Hire a housekeeper. Ask your partner for specific help. You are not a wimp or a bad mom for reaching out for help.
Planning on Getting Pregnant: build your savings account, talk to your employer about your maximum maternity leave package, buy/rent a house that is payable on only one income, trim your expenses, interview postpartum doulas, talk to relatives who can visit and help.
What would you add to this list?
Will you be a part of the #maternityleaverevolution?
The Doula Darcy is a postpartum doula and certified lactation counselor whose mission in life is to help new moms enjoy their time at home with a new baby. Darcy co-hosts the Your Birth, Your Worth Podcast. She's starting a maternity leave revolution to change the way we treat new mothers in this country and to start talking about the realities of having a baby. If you are pregnant, join her Third Trimester Thrive FREE 10 Day Program to prepare for motherhood. If your baby is here, access her On Demand Postpartum Doula Support.